I think it’s safe to conclude Boris Johnson impregnates women with the same rapidity as 18th and 19th century British admirals fired off cannonballs at enemy ships. So Carrie is pregnant again? What’s this? His 7th, 8th or 9th child? Could he be the old woman who lived in the shoe in disguise? Or is he just permanently randy? It’s for those who know the Prime Minister better than I to give a conclusive answer to that last question.

There is a need to pause here and say I have no issue with folk having large families as long as they can pay for them. It’s not for me, as a taxpayer, to subsidise the products of other people’s love lives. If Carrie wants kids coming out of her ears, good for her. I hope she and Boris will live happily ever after. They can certainly afford it.

But wait! There’s another qualification I believe is essential if you want a large family….and this is where my accusatory finger points at both the PM and his spouse. If you desire lots of kids, don’t think you then have the right to lecture the rest of us on how to lower our carbon footprint. Because the small country you’re desperate to produce will have a hell of a lot bigger carbon impact than anything I – as a single and childless man – can muster.

I’m sorry, it really stinks of rancid hypocrisy to sire more offspring than an Aberdeen Angus, and then set yourself up to instigate a raft of appallingly expensive measures as a means of making the United Kingdom a more ‘green’ economy. At the risk of sounding Malthusian here, the best way to preserve the global environment is to limit population growth. Thus, before you abandon the last pretences of being a Conservative, Boris, why don’t you practice something called ‘safe sex’?

For what it’s worth the UK’s, at 5.4 tonnes CO2 per capita per year, emissions are almost half what they were in 1990. Let’s compare that with the likes of the United States (15.2), Germany (8.6), Australia (15.5), China (7.4), Canada (15.5) and Russia (11.1). Our relatively low hanging fruit has already been dispensed with. Take the M62 eastern corridor, for example. Ferrybridge, Eggborough and Drax once represented the largest concentration of coal-fired power stations in the United Kingdom. Over the past decade both Ferrybridge and Eggborough have been decommissioned (four of Eggborough’s eight cooling towers were blown up on August 1st, 2021), and Drax is making the transition to carbon capture. We are already making great strides on doing our bit for the planet. Why risk impoverishing millions of British people in the forlorn expectation the emerging economies will reciprocate goodwill and enact a similar dedication to ‘green’ causes?

Taking into consideration Boris Johnson’s track record with marital longevity, it should only be a matter of time before he tires of having Carrie by his side. He may then ask the erstwhile Conservative voters of the Midlands and northern England, who voted him in on the proviso he wasn’t just another metropolitan politico with a metropolitan agenda, to help pay his alimony costs. I think he’ll be disappointed. Not least because those lesser souls – with a far smaller contribution to carbon emissions than the mop-topped jokester – will be too busy helping to pay for the fallout of his hypocritical environmental objectives.

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