By Chris Morrison
Are you sitting comfortably children? Then I will begin…
Once upon a time a little brown rat lived on a small sandy island near Australia. How it got there nobody knows but rats are very resourceful and it probably hopped on a passing branch, said goodbye to a million of its close relatives, and set sail.
The little brown rat liked living in its new home since there were lots of tasty blue turtle and birds’ eggs to eat. But one day a big storm washed it off its little island perch and it was no more. Read Here
Of course the turtles and birds were very pleased. But the humans were not. They said the naughty storm or cyclone was caused by greedy people keeping themselves warm by burning stuff that had once been plants and trees and had now turned into oil and gas. In fact they got quite upset by all this and said it had to stop within ten years or we were all going to die. The little brown rat was declared the first species on earth to go extinct due to climate change. The Guardian – a comic for slightly bigger boys and girls – asked for a “moment of silence” for the rat and said we will “continue to fight for the things you believe in” – although presumably not the bit about eating turtle eggs. Guardian Article
By this stage the grown ups were all getting rather hysterical. Since humans are superior beings they believed that they could stop the climate changing. They said the global temperature was 59F and it must not move. Various wise collective councils said humans had to stop using oil and gas and instead spend untold amounts of gold on covering the land with windmills. Since the idea was really silly, huge amounts of gold had to be taken from the poor and handed out in subsidies. Lots of people got very rich as a result.
But other humans noted that many scientists didn’t believe that burning fuel to keep warm was affecting the atmosphere that much. Putting a small amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere had proved highly beneficial to plant life across the globe, it was suggested. They noted that climate and temperature had always changed over time and current conditions were nothing out of the ordinary if one just looked at the historical and geological record. These people were roundly abused, called deniers and found that all their research gold was taken away from them. Lots of important people said they were so upset that they were not going to talk to them, ever again.
One day the Great Queen’s son, the Right Charlie, said we had only 96 months left to avert “irretrievable climate change and ecosystem collapse”. In 2009 he said we could no longer afford consumerism and the “age of convenience” was over. The Great Queen’s son was much admired in the land for his forthright views and received an award for environmentalism from Al Gore. This great chief lived far away and was considered knowledgeable on these matters having sold his media business interests to a major oil and gas producer for $100m. In keeping with the occasion, the Right Charlie flew schedule, foregoing his usual private jet. He was subsequently reported to have complained that first class seats were too uncomfortable for the Royal Posterior.
Around this time a great money maker Sir Richard Branson started getting very concerned about the effect of this so-called man-made climate change and worried about hurricanes blowing down his Caribbean tax bolt hole. He was most voluble on the matter, as was his way, and took his message far and wide. For this vital purpose he used his personal jet called Galactic Girl – a super piece of kit by all accounts that had plants of every variety singing its praises for the amount of CO2 it blew out of its backside.
Although 96 months duly passed and nothing happened to the earth, it was hoped that nobody would notice and fresh proclamations could be issued. All the people who called themselves scientists had rather got to like being thought important and using their climate story to change the world. Previous attempts to use the eugenics movement to control populations and the communist ideology to redistribute everyone’s pocket money had been most disappointing.
But the world was getting fed up of their constant moaning and refusal to debate a science that many felt was patently false. So the alarmists thought: why not get the children involved? Luckily all the left wing teachers had brainwashed them to say they didn’t want to die in a climate fireball. Some of the more intelligent children wondered how they would get to school if oil and gas was banned. One or two others speculated about what would replace the enviable lifestyle they all enjoyed. But, as always, the roar of virtue being signalled drowned out their concerns.
On the great day the children all went out to play, sorry strike. Slightly sensible adults like head girl Theresa May kept a low profile but energy prefect Claire Perry said she was “incredibly proud” of young people’s passion and concern. “I suspect if this was happening 40 years ago, I would be out there too”, she added.
That’s all for now, children. Next week our story is all about global cooling and how it is caused by using oil and gas – well you can make up the rest, can’t you children.