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It’s International Women’s Day so, to mark it, I’m speaking up for men.

I’ve been prompted to defend the poor darlings by Melanie Onn, the Labour MP for Grimsby who is agitating to have misogyny added to the list of so-called “hate crimes.”

At the moment, if you pick on somebody because of their race, their religion, their disability or their sexuality, that can be counted as an aggravating factor in a court case.

Ms Onn wants misogyny added to the list and the examples she gives would turn just about every man into a criminal – which is probably what she has in mind anyway.

Just listen to the things she says are hate crimes. Wolf whistling – that’s now a hanging offence. She denied that’s “heavy-handed” because women who think a wolf whistle is a compliment would have no reason to make a complaint.

But that isn’t how the criminal system works. I may not care if my neighbour’s car is nicked -but it’s still a crime.

A woman who is quite delighted to be wolf whistled by George Clooney might take a different view of an overweight builder with a beer gut and his arse hanging out of his jeans.

We can’t decide to make men criminals depending on our mood at the time or how pretty they are.

Also on Ms Onn’s list of criminality is “following a woman out of a shop to chat them up when it is unwanted.” Chatting a woman up wouldn’t be an offence. Doing it when it’s unwanted would be. But how is a man to guess when an upchat line might be unwanted. Isn’t that the point? It’s about testing the water, chancing your arm, daring to make human contact instead of that horrible, sterile meat market of a flick through Tindr.

Ms Onn (Captain Scarlet fans have already realised that her dad must be a Mister Onn) says that getting too close to a woman on public transport is a potential hate crime. If she had ever been on public transport, she would know that everybody is too close to everybody else. If you’re forced to stand, it’s as intimate as a gang bang, if you can get a seat there’s always a stranger’s arse rammed in your ear and a fart up your nostrils.

This madness isn’t even law yet but there has already been a pilot project by Nottinghamshire police targeting misogyny as a hate crime. They have gone after: “incidents against women that are motivated by an attitude of a man towards a woman and includes behaviour targeted towards a woman by men simply because they are a woman”. By that definition sex is a hate crime. Asking a woman to dance is a hate crime. Stopping at the garage on the way home to buy your wife flowers is a hate crime. Come off it!

As usual, Scotland is leading the way on this bonkers stuff. It was revealed in January that a panel of experts, led by a High Court judge is already considering whether misogyny should be criminalised in Scotland.
In its evidence to the enquiry, The Equality and Human Rights Commission said: “Recent events in parliament, the film industry and at the Dorchester Hotel for the Presidents Club Charity dinner all remind us that misogyny remains a serious issue.”

This is where the man haters trip up over their own illogicality.

I’m a woman and a passionate believer in women’s rights. I support a woman’s right to choose what she does with her own body and that includes accepting a well-paid waitressing job where she is asked to dress up in a certain way, showing a bit of leg on the clear understanding that wealthy men might get a bit saucy.

Nobody made those women go to the President’s Club dinner. They were warned before they signed up. They knew the score, just like Harvey Weinstein’s “victims” knew the score. It was a straight-forward bargain. Suck off the fat, ugly producer and get a nice job. Unsavoury, certainly but it’s not rape. They didn’t have to go along with it. They bargained their dignity for a job, just like thousands of other women who go down on their  knees – to clean toilets.

There is a crisis overwhelming our men folk. It has built up over a generation as everything that men have been bred and conditioned to do for millennia is suddenly cast aside. There is a certain section of womanhood who would like to cut the balls off every pubescent boy “just in case.”

Men have been displaced. Women don’t want warriors, hunters, protectors, earners. We don’t even want fathers for our kids. We demand that they are still as strong and stoic as before – no blubbing – and then we kick them down the road. And who does that help? Does it help our sons who grow up with nobody to show them how to be what they are? Has the increase in modern feminism fuelled the increase in male suicide?

I love my horses, their beauty and their strength and their controlled power. That’s what men – the best of men – have and they should be applauded and loved and appreciated for it.  And now I’m going to go off to celebrate International Women’s Day by adorning myself for all men. I hope I get a wolf-whistle.