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The Twelve Days Of Lockdown Christmas!

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By Mandy Baldwin

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
24 12 2020
Really lovely to hear from you after so long. That wonderful summer we shared, seems a lifetime ago. I know, it’s tough being single in lock-down, especially this time of year. Yes, of course, I’d like a Christmas present from you! My address is attached.from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
25 12 2020
Wow, you’ve still got the same sense of humour! Thank you so much for the partridge. I live in a one-bedroomed flat, so there isn’t much room for the pear-tree. I’ve put it on the balcony and let’s hope it doesn’t get windy, because the partridge refuses to get out of the branches. Merry Christmas to you too! ❤from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
26 12 2020
How sweet! The turtle doves are sitting on the back of my chair as I write. It took some time to lure them down from the lampshade when I first opened the box, but after making a bit of a mess on the furniture they’ve calmed down and have been cooing gently at each other for the past three hours.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
27 12 2020
Hello again! Thank you! What a surprise to find when I opened the door!. When the box said “French Hens” I didn’t realise they came from Louisiana – although I should have guessed, because there’s a hint of chlorine about them. Unfortunately, they don’t get on very well with the turtle doves, who are now in the bathroom.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
28 12 2020
Hello. When I saw the label on the box said “Calling Birds”, I never dreamed all four of the birds would actually call all the time. I know you meant well, but the hens and the turtle doves are now trying to compete with the calling birds and even the partridge got in through the kitchen window and joined in.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
29 12 2020
How gorgeous! FIVE GOLD RINGS! Thank you so much! I’d love to say more, but I’m a bit tired…it took me ages to get to sleep last night, because the birds wouldn’t stop calling even when I put the lights out, and the people next door kept banging on the wall. Will write more tomorrow.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
30 12 2020
Imagine you remembering how much I like eggs. All six of the geese arrived safely, and have already laid eggs in nests they made from my clean laundry on the floor. I didn’t know they made that noise when they laid an egg. It has made the three French Hens, the four calling birds, and the two turtle doves very excitable. Unfortunately, the geese didn’t like it when the partridge flew near their nests, and have attacked him. He is now in my bed and won’t get out. I guess I’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight when I’ve cleaned it (again!)

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
31 12 2020
I really wasn’t expecting the seven swans. Don’t I need a licence for them, as they belong to the Queen? They immediately started looking for somewhere to swim, so I put them in the bath. They aren’t very friendly birds, are they? They don’t like me going in the bathroom now. Never mind. I can have a wash at the kitchen sink, and I have a bucket somewhere. Happy New Year to you too!

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
1. 1. 2021
Hello. I didn’t know about the eight maids a-milking until Mrs Harris from the ground floor came round and told me there was a herd of cows in the communal garden. The maids seem to think I am responsible for paying their National Insurance. I am looking for recipes which will use 80 litres of milk each day but it’s very difficult to stop the geese knocking the buckets over. Yes, let’s hope 2021 is more enjoyable than 2020.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
2.1.2021
What a surprise! The nine ladies dancing arrived at 3 o’clock this morning, with a boom box, and have been waltzing to The Blue Danube in the hallway for seven hours. I admit, all my neighbours were so annoyed about this, that I pretended it was nothing to do with me. I couldn’t go out to see them anyway, as I was too busy cleaning the flat which is now full of sour milk, guano and feathers.
PS: the geese have carried on laying. I now have to be very careful where I walk.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
3.1.2021
I thought, when the ten Lords a -leaping arrived, they might be distracted by the nine ladies who have been dancing in the hallway for the past 30 hours. Sadly, this was not the case. Instead, they leapt up three flights of stairs to my flat, and when I opened the door, leaped all around the room, before skidding in the nests the geese had made, covering the entire carpet with egg-yolk. One of them leapt over the sofa, and landed on one of the three French hens, so now, I only have two. I opened the door to let the Lords out and they leaped all the way downstairs again to the communal garden where, as I am writing this, I can see them leaping around making extremely suggestive gestures to the maids who are still out there, busily milking. The geese are now traumatised and have taken refuge on the sofa, so I can’t sleep there any more, and must go back to my bedroom and hope the partridge is better.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
4.1.2021
I don’t like to sound ungrateful, but the eleven pipers piping were the last straw. Have you ever spent time in a small flat with eleven men playing the bag-pipes? No, I bet you haven’t. They played “Scotland The Brave” for TWO SOLID HOURS before I managed to persuade them to go in the bathroom with the swans. Someone knocked on my door, and when I opened it, several of my neighbours were there, begging me to not have any more visitors. The two turtle doves flew out and landed on Mr Jacob’s shoulders, cooing, which would have been nice, except that he has a bird allergy, and had to be rushed to hospital. foaming at the mouth.
Update: the partridge has become very territorial about my bed and pecks me whenever I move. The calling birds have learned to imitate my phone’s ring-tone, so I missed the call telling me I had that job I told you about. On the plus side, everything has gone very quiet in the bathroom.

from: me@gmail.com
to: mytruluv@yahoo.com
5.1.2021
You utter bastard. Yes, I know I dumped you, but is that any reason to send me twelve f***ing drummers f***ing drumming? IT’S BEEN FIVE YEARS, FOR GOD’S SAKE! The drummers surrounded the building at 1am and are still drumming, and nothing I say will make them stop. I’ve been given two weeks to find other accommodation, the bill for cleaning the milk, guano and egg yolk out of the carpet is three times the value of those bloody gold rings – which are gold plated, actually! – the swans have pecked three of the pipers to death, and the others are accusing me of holding them hostage. One of the dancing ladies was throttled by Mr Dennis from the 2nd floor, who has now been committed to a secure psychiatric institution. Two of the leaping Lords have been accused of sexual assault, and one of them was a friend of Prince Andrew, so now I face questioning about Epstien’s suicide. I haven’t washed properly in over a week, and the Bulgarian family on the first floor have cooked and eaten the remaining two French hens, the partridge, and the turtle doves. The calling birds escaped and that horrible boy from Number 29 is taking pot shots at them with an air-rifle.
Never contact me again.
Wishing you everything you deserve in the new year!

 

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