By Tony Morrison
20th November 2019
We live in a seriously divided America. We can’t agree on if low unemployment and a surging economy is good for the country, the role of Government, and the Constitutional freedoms such as free speech and the right to defend oneself. Even subjects as arcane as foreign policy are subject to violent disagreements. There are those who believe foreign policy should be run by the President, as articulated in our Constitution, and those who believe it should be run by State Department bureaucrats, if not all, at least the Ukraine brief. And of course there are real divisions such as the split between the half of the country that says “Y’All” and the other half that says “You Guys.”
But one man has stepped forward and single-handedly healed our divisions. And he has done so heroically, as the price of doing so will see him shunned in polite society for the rest of his life. And he was such an unlikely hero candidate as well.
Eric Swalwell was an unremarkable California congressman until he began to appear regularly on TV screens attacking the President for something called “colluding with Russia” (look it up folks, it was a big deal at the time). He leveraged his newfound fame to becoming one of the many clowns in the Democrat Presidential nomination circus. But he was one of the first to drop out, as even the Dems did not take to his supercilious bumptious personality.
Swalwell had a taste of the spotlight what he could do nationally for our country, but he was at loose ends. This gave hm time to think and he hatched a most wonderful scheme to unite his country, to settle our divisions and well, make us great again.
On the afternoon of November 18th Swalwell got himself ready for his momentous day. After a hearty lunch at the Congess cafeteria, as luck would have it, it was “All you can eat Taco Monday,” he then strode purposefully across the halls of Congress to his date with the MSNBC cameras and history.
The MSNBC “news” program Hardball and its host, Chris Matthews, wanted Swalwell to pontificate on all matters impeachment. He proceeded to do so, and then, the attention fully on him, paused and unleashed an absolutely terrifying thunderbastard; now considered the worst attack on the US Capitol since the British burnt it in 1814. Swalwell had been ruled out as Presidential material, even with the low bar the Dems have. Yet he showed some Presidential timber here in laying down a WMD when one was called for. Hard-bitten “news” journalist Chris Matthews is famous for his statement that when he heard President Obama speak he got a “thrill up his leg.” He has yet to note what he felt when Swalwell’s colon spoke so enthusiastically. Perhaps he was just too awestruck for further comment.
The immediate response to this “statement” was limited only to reactions to the damage. The MSNBC viewing audience, luckily minute as always, gingerly picked their way through the domestic wreckage of blown Bose soundbars and exploded TV screens. As the dome of the US Capitol settled back down on its supports, a flock of migrating Canadian geese flying over Washington were downed by the foul blast. Jets were scrambled from Andrews Airforce Base to protect the White House. And the Pentagon, alerted by a dramatic spike on the Richter scale, called into MSNBC asking if Swalwell could help them with their weapons program.
But then, just as the far-seeing Swalwell knew, laughter took over as the audience for his work went viral, and the original audience of tens of Americans watching MSNBC became hundreds of millions in a matter of minutes. When Swalwell had first come up with the idea that humor would save our nation, he did his homework. The oldest recorded joke in human history is a fart joke preserved on a Sumerian tablet, and that’s good enough for him. And as the ancient Greek comic playwright, Aristophanes, showed in The Clouds, a fart joke to be funny has to be loud. Although even the revered Greek comedian never tried anything like the Swalwell Crack Of Doom in any Theater in downtown Athens.
MSNBC, running cover as always for the Dems, at first believed this just to be a social embarrassment from Le Petomane Swalwell. After numerous requests were sent in by reporters asking “wtf was that?,” they tweeted out that the noise was a coffee mug scraping across a desk (available for sale they listed helpfully) This might be true, but it is doubtful MSNBC is in the business of supplying 300 Ton Mugs. Swalwell, now a master of comic timing, at first played along, and then revealed his real intent by tweeting “This too shall pass.” “Oh, it’s a comedy,” said the assorted Dems and Libs channeling Mel Brooks, and thus freed from their hang-ups joined their fellow-Americans, the more conservative and fun ones, in an ever-growing chorus of laughter.
The laughter swept across the fruited plain. Weirdly, it was mostly social media, as news organizations avoided it as if it had a bad smell. But Facebook, Twitter and the like went crazy. Within a space of a few hours Twitter’s #Fartgate had morphed into dozens of sub hashtags. My favorite was #SwalwellAMovie with such titles as “Gone with the Wind,” Blast of the Mohicans,” and Butch Assidy and the Sundance Skid.”
As we danced with joy in the streets together (metaphorically speaking, as we were all huddled over various devices in our houses and coffee shops), we realized we are all Americans and we are more alike than different. Swalwell had triumphed. Men like this come along once in a generation. We will not see his like again – actually we won’t as he is persona non grata from all TV shows.
Eric Swalwell. The Man. The Legend.