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Police Scotland have launched a new campaign, it’s quite jaunty, is an attempt at a rhyme and like other campaigns comes with its very own hashtag – #GreaterThanAHater. Police are also urging people to call 101 or 999 in the event of a ‘hate’ emergency.

“Hello Police Officer, come quickly please. Someone threw a hateful phrase my way. They said I am a coconut.”

What happened to the days of “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me?”

This campaign features a dark-skinned superhero who is wearing a very dubious, neon-yellow outfit, sunglasses and cape (he’s either addicted to sunbeds or he’s the ‘ethnic minority’ man from the ‘70s’ disco era come to teach the bad white people all about tolerance and inclusion). Regardless, the superhero, who has an obvious eating disorder, is strutting his stuff outside of the school gates. The ginger girl looks adoringly at him as though she has found Mr Right, while the boy is gazing longingly at the hero’s groin area (that’s one boy who is touch with his desires). You’d be forgiven for thinking the campaign is directed at children rather than adults but allow me to dissect Police Scotland’s bullshit for you.

 It’s a crime to pick on someone because of:

  •  Who they are attracted to – Say if Shaista is attracted to Michael and they start dating. Sounds idyllic but it transpires that Shaista’s family find out and they are very unhappy because Michael is white and they want Shaista to marry within her own race/culture/tribe. In a controlling (hateful) attempt to end the relationship, they take her out of school and force her to marry her first cousin from the village back home. Is this a prosecutable hate crime or simply a little cultural quirk that flies under the hate radar in Scotland? 
  • The gender they identify with – What if Tahir tells his parents he was born in the wrong body and would love to be known as Tahira from now on, grow his hair long and wear lots of bling? What if his parents offer up prayers to Allah or visit the local imam for guidance, and both voices tell the parents that it’s ok for them to force their son to continue living and identifying as a boy? Is that a hate crime?
  • Disability – What if Mohammed is born profoundly disabled as a result of his parent being first cousins? Is that a hate crime considering his disability could have been prevented if his parents had not been forced/not allowed to marry in the first place?
  •  Race – Will any Muslims be arrested for hating the ‘goris’ purely because the ‘goris’ happen to be white females? What of the ‘white slags’ who the Muslim men groom, drug and rape quite frequently? Is this hate in the eyes of Police Scotland? Is carving the letter M for Muhammad onto a white girl’s body (proof of ownership) motivated by hate or is it simply a token of affection?
  • Religion – Children do not choose to follow any religion. They have one forced upon them by their parents instead. Is this hate? Is this child abuse? Should religiously inclined parents be arrested? Also, not all Muslims follow the same version of Islam. What of all the sectarian hatred that occurs between Sunnis and Shi-ites? What of the hate directed towards Ahmadis? Is any of this prosecutable?
  • Belief- Belief in what? The Tooth Fairy? The Easter Bunny? Santa Claus? This is a hanging and unfinished sentence, which I hate. I hate that tax-payers are funding a police department who can’t hire a competent copywriter. Should I get arrested for hating a bad syntax and my belief that an editor should have proofread this promotion before unleashing it on to the public?