Dear Eton College,

I was so relieved to discover that you have decided to join the throng of unhinged women, rabid Marxists, and frothing racists who currently monitor and punish those who exercise the right to freedom of expression guaranteed them under the Human Rights Act!

“Educating for the future” indeed – and what a future it will be! For too long, the world has rewarded the intelligent, the creative, the dynamic and the courageous; it’s high time the nation’s most prestigious school joined the state education system in promoting the idiotic, the conformist, the idle and the cringing.

You have taught both staff and pupils at the school which has educated some of our most iconic leaders, that it is only right and proper that a man who privately posts a theory proven by science and confirmed by everyone who has ever actually spoken to anyone, should be deprived of his livelihood and be branded as reprehensible. And about time, too!

For too long you have allowed your pupils to believe that humanity in any civilised society has a right to freedom of speech, communication and association. But much remains to be done. Let us not forget that Eton is full of males: ergo, the very air in the corridors is toxic.

There must surely be a large proportion of those who you are forcing to live as males, who privately identify as females, as wild animals, or even as inanimate objects. Their choices must be enabled, if you are not to stand accused of something or other by someone or other, and the drug therapy and cosmetic surgery techniques exist to fully actualise the dreams of tormented youths forced to live with the horror of male human genitalia.

I foresee for Eton a shining path toward untruth, injustice, and the cretinous way. Surely, one day soon, Eton will be blessed with an even more enlightened headmaster: one who expels boys for refusing to accept that the head of the history department is a toast-rack, for instance, or enlivens assemblies by publicly thrashing teachers for not confirming that Napoleon was a black lesbian with Tourette’s Syndrome; one who tells staff that henceforth they must call him Doreen and bares his mangina with pride.

Forward, Etonions!

And may the Greta Thunberg be with you.

Kind regards,

Mandy “I identify as a ham sandwich on Wednesdays” Baldwin

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